| Tonight the Sky |
[07, June, 2008 ] |
"Heavy lack of control. Close to 23 hours of regained conviction, it will again decline by tomorrow afternoon. I am tired of cake for two. I am tired of weeks dragging on to the point of nausea, my body/mind continues the mutiny!
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| Lifting, Chewing, and Swallowing |
[26, November, 2007 ] |
"The inside of a binge is deep and dark; it is a descent into a world in which every restriction you have placed on yourself is cut loose. The forbidden is obtainable. Nothing matters not friends, not family, not lovers. Nothing matters but food. Lifting, chewing, and swallowing - mechanical frenzied acts, one follwoing the other until a physical limit, usually nausea, is reached. Then comes the sought-after numbness, the daze, the indifference to emotional pain. Like a good drug, food knocks out sensation.
A few years ago, when I was caught in the eye of my worst eating days, I wrote: 'I feel so insane when I binge, as if there is no reality but the loud pounding voice inside my head screaming for me to eat. At that moment nothing else exists; yet because I am so aware that everything else does in fact exist, the contrast and craziness of what I am doing to myself make the insanity even sharper. I know I am destroying myself, but I can't stop. I am so driven at that point that no one I know whould recognize me. In those moments, the darkness is so pervasive that it is as if I have descended into another realm. When I surface and see that other people are here, that there is actually sunlight and words, that the bougainvillea outside my window is budding with tiny white insides, I feel infinitely relieved - and then even more shattered for having just experienced a thirty-minute frenzy, a dive into hell."
- Geneen Roth
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| The Hopeless Dream of Being |
[20, November, 2007 ] |
"Don't you think I understand? The Hopeless dream of being. Not seeming, but being. In every waking moment aware, alert. The tug of war -- what you are with others and who you really are. A feeling of vertigo and constant hunger to be finally exposed. To be seen through, cut down... even obliterated. Every tone of voice a lie. Every gesture false. Every smile a grimace.
Commit suicide? That's unthinkable. You don't do things like that. but you can refuse to move and be silent. Then, at least, you are not lying. You can shut yourself in, shut out the world. Then you don't have to play any roles, show any faces, make false gestures. You'd think so... But reality is diabolical. Your hiding-place isn't watertight. Life trickles in everywhere. You're forced to react.
Nobody asks if it's real or not, if you're honest or a liar. That's only important at the theatre, perhaps not even there. Elisabeth, I understand why you're silent, why you don't move. Your lifelessness has becomes a fantastic part. I understand and I admire you. I think you should play this part until it is done. Until it's no longer interesting. Then you can leave it, as you leave all your other roles."
- The Doctor to Elisabeth (Ingmar Bergman, Persona)
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